The TLDR answer is sooner rather than later. To be clear, when I refer to money in a relationship I don’t mean your actual income. I am referring to understanding your potential partner’s overall views on money. I do not think a person needs to make X amount to be a good partner. (Unless you are seeking to be taken care of financially, or a stay-at-home parent, but I am not going down that rabbit hole) You can make $300k and still live paycheck to paycheck. Conversely, you can make $60k and be debt free, save and invest regularly. Most regular people these days work and these households are dual-income.
I do not believe that making equal money or more money is inherently good or bad. I think there are plenty of great people, who may not have a huge income, but they have many wonderful qualities that make a great potential partner. I also think that purpose and passion outweigh money for those who choose certain career paths. You either accept that or you don’t.
For example, I met my husband when he was a corporal in the Marine Corps. Looking back I had no idea how much that meant, but I do know it was less than me. He is a traditional type of guy, so he paid the vast majority of our dates. I would simply consider that when choosing places to go. (He would travel a bit to see me.) Do I need to go to 5-star restaurants, that’s a big no for me. I grew up going to Burger King, or getting a pizza, as dinner out. If that is important to you, then you are just not compatible.
There is no right and wrong here. Does this person align with the kind of life you want to live? If they make more than you, do they still respect what you do? Or do they treat it like a ‘little job’? If they make less than you do, are you ok footing more of the bill for vacations or bills? You have to understand what you want first, then it will be easy to see if this person fits your vision or not.
You can bring it up directly or find a way around it in the conversation. I am a big fan of being direct. Hey, I am a person that is very responsible with money, credit, budgeting, saving, investing (whatever) what are your thoughts on this? If they start hemming and hawing, tap dancing, or evading the question, you pretty much have the answer. They don’t want to tell you because they know you don’t align. Someone who agrees will probably enjoy the topic and it will be a relief that you feel the same. (Worst case scenario I am not against running a background check on someone, hee hee) But if you get the feeling that person is not being truthful, take that as a red flag and move accordingly.
Once you decide that this is a person you see yourself with in the long term, you will have to dive into the specifics of income and budgets. What are your long-term goals? How do you envision handling the household expenses? Do you have any large debts? Do you want to rent or own? What is your view on kids and child care? Treating this like an exercise will trigger a lot of important conversations that need to be had before considering an “I do”. Do not assume that they believe as you do! Do not assume it will just work out.
They say that the biggest financial decision you will make is who you choose as a partner. Money issues can be a huge source of strife. The more you discuss and align in advance, the better off you will be. Now did I do any of this? Of course not! That is why I am telling you that you should! Save yourself years of trying to figure out how to get on the same page by jumping on the money conversation as soon as possible.
This hit. Love the emphasis on alignment of values being what’s important, not the numbers or “who makes what.” Thanks for this perspective!