Paula Abdul told us that opposites attract in the 80’s. But there is no greater argument among couples than when a YOLO spender marries a strict saver. Paula didn’t mention any of that in her cute little pop number with the cartoon cat. I speak from experience because I am one of them. It’s insane to think about how people are getting married without discussing money, goals, and expectations. After the honeymoon is over, one of you is happily shopping on Amazon every week and the other is sweating bullets thinking about daycare and hoping to retire one day. It can be a recipe for disaster. At best one of you is quietly steaming. At worst, one is contemplating whether divorce would be easier than working on your budget together.
If you are already married and would like to continue down that path happily, you have to open the lines of communication. Normally it’s us savers who have to sit our spender down and have that tough conversation. A lot of gurus will tell you that you must have completely joint accounts to succeed. I will not. I think you can do whatever makes you feel comfortable as long as you both are working together. The key is communication and shared goals.
This will look different for everyone, but the first step is to identify a goal you can both get behind wholeheartedly. Maybe you have a baby on the way, and one parent wants to be able to stay home for six months. Then building up your baby fund is the goal. Maybe your spender has racked up some credit card debt and you are NOT HAPPY. Sit down and look at those statements. Add up how much you are paying towards interest every month. Hopefully, that will cause you spender to feel nauseated enough to agree to work on eliminating it ASAP.
I always recommend picking one thing to work on. Is it eating out? Is it online shopping? Does one of you have a very expensive hobby that you just can’t afford right now? That can cause a lot of resentment in a couple when one feels like they are doing all the sacrificing and the other is living their best life with zero regard for the bottom line. Don’t let that growing ball of irritation consume you. Pick a suitable time for you both to speak openly. A time when you are both relaxed. This is not the conversation to start on the way to your in-laws for dinner. Print out your statements and have a candid conversation. My saver, make sure not to scold your spender, but instead invite them to help create the solution. Once you have agreed on a goal, set a weekly money date to check your progress. You won’t have to do this forever, but just long enough until it becomes second nature. Then you can move on to goal number two.
….And to be fair to my spenders, sometimes your influence is needed and appreciated. We savers may tend to go full force and need a reminder to live a little. Balance is key.
They say people overestimate what they can do in a year, but vastly underestimate what can be done in five to ten. All your little wins will start to add up and create a snowball effect that will set you up for a lifetime. It’s not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. When you can tackle money as a couple, you can do almost anything. That sense of accomplishment can spill over to all aspects of your relationship and create deep trust.
What’s your goal? Feel free to share in the comments, and if you need an unlicensed marriage counselor, drop me a message.
P.S. If you have no clue who Paula Abdul is, or don’t know the video I referenced, you’re welcome: Paula Abdul – Opposites Attract (Official Music Video) (youtube.com)
